Sunday, March 26th, 2006

Hello, yes, I'm the agent for the penguins round here and I'm afraid we're not going to appear in your documentary unless we can negotiate a fee

Do you reckon the follow-up to ‘March of the Penguins’ will be ‘March of the Wildlife Film Crews’? Maybe that’s what the animal kingdom watches when they’re bored. I’d be pretty annoyed if I were a penguin. You get no peace these days if you’re an animal, that’s for sure.

The Antarctic isn’t melting because of global warming – it’s the bloody catering vans!

On a similar note, do you think the Queen’s household is entirely staffed by undercover tabloid reporters? Judging from all the programmes on TV at the moment with undercover flight attendants, undercover estate agents, undercover university lecturers and undercover nurses, you have to ask yourself if anyone is actually qualified to do anything these days other than film things secretly through their buttonhole?

Which reminds me of the time I had to have a colonoscopy and the doctor showed me the tiny camera in a tube. “We can see everything with this little bugger” he said (a rather unfortunate choice of words, I thought at the time). “Mind you,” he continued, “wait till the lighting crew gets in there!” I think they undergo years of training just in telling that joke…

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